He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
