I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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