i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
