Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
this boner is exhausting
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
