I didn't shave. On purpose
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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