the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
