I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
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i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
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The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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