omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
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