Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
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