I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
