For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
