I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.