i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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