I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
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I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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