Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
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We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
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