Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
