I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Maybe he injected his testicle?
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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