It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
