my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
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Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
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Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.