i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
