it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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