420 ftw
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
Dignity is for republicans.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
