You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
