i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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