Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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