i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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