I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
