Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
