i always forget guys have bellybuttons
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
