And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
