It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
