made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
