I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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