The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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