i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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