just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I can't turn off my feet"
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
