...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
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