I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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