ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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