I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Sext me about skeletons
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
