So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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