I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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