wat bout pragnant strippers??
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
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