Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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