I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
