so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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