One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
