I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
