U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
i think i just lost a toe
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
