I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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