Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
