My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
