Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
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