i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
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