There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
