I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Someone signed my nipple.
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