areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
