My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
