u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
