On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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