Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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