Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
