Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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