stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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