Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
