Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Ok Ghana you win again. Tell you what...Double or nothing over women's tennis, basketball, hockey, war, baseball, golf, swimming, diving, oil spills, box office proceeds, internet porn sites, criminals incarcerated, women's downhill, bass fishing, NASCAR, or GDP?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
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